Little
Red Riding Hood
There once was a young person
named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water
to her grandmother's house--not because this was womyn's work, mind you, but
because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community.
Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full physical and
mental health and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature
adult.
So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket through the woods. Many
people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place and never
set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was confident enough in her own
budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian imagery did not intimidate her.
On the way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a
wolf. who asked her what was in her basket. She replied, "Some healthful
snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of herself
as a mature adult."
The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little
girl to walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in
the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an
outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own,
entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way."
Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But, because his
status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear,
Western-style thought, the wolf knew a quicker route to Grandma's house. He
burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a
carnivore such as himself. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of
what was masculine or feminine, he put on Grandma's nightclothes and crawled
into bed.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I
have brought you some fatfree, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of
a wise and nurturing matriarch."
From the bed, the wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so
that I might see you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically
challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."
"Grandma, what a big nose you have, only relatively, of
course, and certainly attractive in its own way."
"It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear."
"Grandma, what big teeth you have!"
The wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am,"
and leaped out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on
devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the wolf's
apparent tendency toward crossdressing, but because of his willful invasion of
her personal space.
Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopperperson (or log-fuel
technician, as he preferred to be called). When he burst into the cottage, he
saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood
and the wolf both stopped.
"And just what do you think you're doing?" asked Red
Riding Hood.
The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words
came to him.
"Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to
do your thinking for you!" she exclaimed. "Sexist! Speciesist! How
dare you assume that womyn and wolves can't solve their own problems without a
man's help!"
When she heard Red Riding Hood's impassioned speech, Grandma
jumped out of the wolf's mouth, seized the woodchopperperson's ax, and cut his
head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the wolf felt a
certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an alternative household
based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the woods
happily ever after.
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